Jan 4 2010
"Let me hold you in my arms. Feel me squeeze the living fucking breath out of your bastard body. Bliss. Lovely."
"Skipping to work makes everything better."
"I haven't put on weight. Your eyes are fat."
"I'd rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that's just my opinion. Don't take it personally."
"Elephant trunks should be used for elephant things only. Nothing else."
"Lentils are evil. Pure fucking oozing evil. Take them away from me."
"My vision of hell is a lentil casserole."
"By the way, washing in rose water doesn't stop you smelling like a piece of shit."
"Avocados? You can shove them up your ass as well."
"Be happy happy happy happy."
"Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me."
Wife's note: Wow. This was a goldmine of a night. Eleven entries, a new record!
I apparenly sleep SHOUT and say things of similar hilarity on a regular basis. Fortunately, all records of this (and witnesses) are instantly destroyed by the awesomeness of my speechifyin'.
(link via tr)